oh my.

There's this guy and he makes me so happy. He likes me. So why wont he just ask me out?!

>.>

Life sucks.

yeah, I just found out my friggin dog died. That's like the 5 thing that has died. My mom has died, my grandmas boyfriend has died, Chris Dale Died, Will died, and now my dog!

what the hell.

Oscar was drooling alot last night. But I thought he just wanted another grilled cheese sandwich with me. Oscar always would want some of my food. He use to walk around the living room like a shark waiting for food to fall.

He laid around the house alot yesterday. But I thought he was just tired.

I didn't think he was gonna die last night!

I always said I wanted a puppy, but I'd have to wait for one of my dogs to die. But really, Oscar was my fav. that was my first dog. But nope. Oscar has to die to. stupid life. You suck.

I just wanna believe in me.

Life sucks. Nothing exciting has happened. I feel angry alot. And I feel alone emotionally. Dude, what the hell is my problem. I don't want to feel this away.


"I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful Today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect In unusual ways
You see I just wanna believe in me"
-Demi Lovato

So basically,

dudes are jerks.

And Romeo fell in love with Juliet.

oh gosh. I never thought love at first sight ever existed. But last Thursday I was a believer.

I was sitting in 7th period,Spanish 2, when this dude walked in. A new student, from New Hampshire. When he walked in the room I felt a connection. And he looked at me and my heart was beating like it was about to jump out of my chest.

Later, towards the end of class, I asked him why he moved to this boring place. "My dad is retiring from the military," he said. At least I know he wont be moving anytime soon.

For the past 3 days I asked him about him. I know he's a junior. And he has a Fender Strat named Betsy. What a coincidence my fenders name is a girl name too. lol.
He's talkative, which I like. And he is so nice. And of course cute.

I use to say I don't get butterflies in my stomach anymore, I get bats. But the moment he looked at me...I felt the butterflies again.

Tonight was amazing

Our performance was awesome. We got our cues right and we were louder. lol.

Everyone said I was adorable. Cause I am. lol

I'm wearing a black dress to a white wedding.

-Well, October is over. I made it through another month. Even though No one reads my blogs(except one dude did) I'm gonna talk about what has happened.

-I'm being more open about my mom. I don't care if people ask me how she died or what she was like or how I feel. I don't care anymore. People shouldn't be scared to ask me. They are worried I'm gonna cry. But like I tell everybody, I don't cry. I despise crying. It's the worst thing ever. I think crying is stupid. I feel like a jerk. I've been talking bad about my mom. I just don't want to be sad. But I don't think it's right for me to do that. Like I told Brenden once that if he wouldn't shut up I was goona put my mom's ashes on him. It was funny. But I totally insulted my mother in a way. So, I'm trying to be more nice.

-This week is the play. Phantom of the soap operea. 3 nights of performing. I'm excited and nervous. This is the first play that I've had more than 2 lines in. I'm practically in every scene. I'm so scared that I'm gonna mess up. But I'm excited to be on the stage again. Wheather singing or acting the stage needs me, I need it. So, I'm ready to be Lily Ponds, the ditzy secretary, in front of everybody.

- I've written a song this month. A SONG. ONE SONG! It's recockulous. I usually write at least 3 a month. Am I losing my touch? Have I found no inspiration? What is my purpose? I feel terrible about it. And now that I have my guitar...I should be writing more. BUT I HAVE NOT! I am ashamed. ha ha. Hopefully something will happen to me this month.

-My heart is confused. Boys are confusing. Life is confusing. What does it mean when a boy says,"you'll always have a place in my heart," kisses you on the head but does nothing else. He's just your friend. He flirts with a bunch of girls but you have a place in his heart. He likes you, but wants to remain friends. Maybe he just loves me, but isn't 'in love' with me. I'm fine with that. But yall, isn't that leading on. He is leading me on! I don't know what he is thinking. He cares. I understand. But I don't like to be lead on. Either he likes me or he doesn't. Dudes are confusing.

-In other news, I might be getting a cellphone for christmas. Finally. My dad is recockulous.

We're the new face of failure

Well, life sucks. My dad is a dick. He's been yelling at me for the stupidest things wrong. He got angry with me oncebecause i fed the cat wrong. >.> People, How do you feed a cat wrong?
OH! And he's been talking to me in a tone, a tone that's like,'you are stupid and worthless.'

So far I have $52 in change saved up for my run away fund.

If I don't run away and my dad pisses me off enough I might go live with my aunt in Arizona.
The only thing that's keeping me in Maryland is my friends. So If I do run away, I'll go live with a friend. >.>

Aint life grand? >.>

I'M A REBEL! kinda. lol.

TODAY! Was excellent.
It all started yesterday. Matti, Bryan, and Shane had the brilliant idea of skipping lunch tomorrow and going to donut connection. I was like,"I WANNA GO" and they were like,"Nikita, you are gonna chicken out...blah blah blah." and I was like,"Just you wait." Later that day I asked $10 from my dad....I laughed myself to sleep. ha ha ha. >.>
Day-October 3 2008. Time:11:20 or 25 . At the snack machines near the trophy cases...our meet up spot. First, Kevin arrives, then Shane, then Bryan."Nikita go to lunch, you are gonna wuss out," they say. I just laugh. Finally Matti arrives and we run out the front door into the parking lot. As we arrive to her car, there is a girl about to leave. Then she asked Matti if she could take a picture of us with Matti's car for the yearbook. "It can be an inside joke," she says. What a clever photographer.
So, we take the picture then put our junx in matti's trunk. And by then i was kinda freaking out. But I was like no...not gonna wuss out. So we got on the car(Matti driving, Bryan shot gun, Shane, me, and Kevin in the back and I had to get middle. >.>) and Matti put on some tunes and we departed. As we were driving Bryan says,"Oh gosh! I think that's my dad!" and he ducks. But...it wasn't. lol.
Finally we arrive at Donut Connection. They started making fun of me because I look younger than them cause supposively I'm 2 feet tall. w/e. >.> I'm like 5'3". Anyways, they made me go in first. We walk up to the counter and as we walked by a table this dude just gives us a funny look. w/e. So we go up and we decide on getting 2 dozen donuts. Matti pays and then I bought the drinks. We decided we had enough time to eat a couple there... so we did. We talked and wished we brought a camerea. lol. Shane now believes me that I wasn't going to wuss out.
Ten Minutes later we had to leave, so we piled into Matti's car once more. As we were driving we freaked out cause we passed a cop. But he didn't notice I guess. lol. When we arrived at school we sat in teh car for like 5 minutes trying to decide how to get back in. So, we went to the side door of the school, and went up stairs and sat on the stairs and ate donuts. =] But oh gosh, on the way in we passed Ms.Odell the Pe teacher. She said,"Hey! Donuts" and we were like,"yeah donuts" and she just kept walking. I almost pissed myself.
But yeah...we did it. They didn't call me a wuss, my breath smelt like donuts all day, and I had fun. I'm on top of the world! =]

Well, this week has sucked.

A friend has passed.
I don't have the nerve to tell a dude I just want to be friends.
I couldn't find rolling stones bag.
My aunt is getting a divorce.


so, hows your life hoebag?

I can't win

Is it possible for me to like a dude without my bestie betraying me?

the sigh of stress

I have been feeling depressed lately.

But I keep telling myself to not let it show.

And it bugs me because I should just let people know.

I'm a loser...

I can't do anything right.

I forgot to make my dad's bed that my friend slept in (since my dad and sister were gone) and my dad got mad about it.

The basement freezer door thing ended up not closing all the way.

I accidently told my grandmom i didnt go to New York(long story short, i didnt want to go to pennsylvania so i told my grandmom i was going to new york).

I've gained 3 pounds.

I can't get a boyfriend.

I have a blabber mouth.

I am in the dead mothers club.....

basically...I am a loser. A fat, ugly, half orphan loser.

the impossible

I don't, I don't wanna be the girl who has everything
I just, I just wanna be the girl who knows what's right
I don't think it's right for me to hide my feelings
I just want to reach out to the crowd, the crowd
and maybe they will be catch me when i fall


I wanna touch the stars, I wanna fly to the moon, i wanna do the impossible
I wanna live my dreams, I wanna do everything, i wanna do the impossible
and i don't care what you say, I'm just gonna be me
cause i am, I'm the impossible


I don't, I don't wanna be the girl who brings her self down
I just, I just wanna be the girl on the stage
I don't think it;s right for you to walk away
I just want you to listen, to listen
and maybe you will listen to my song


I wanna touch the stars, I wanna fly to the moon, i wanna do the impossible
I wanna live my dreams, i wanna do everything, i wanna do the impossible
and i don't care what you say, I'm just gonna be me
cause i am, I'm the impossible


maybe when i finish the impossible, the impossible
I can do, do it again. yeah yeah.


I wanna touch the stars, I wanna fly to you.....but
I wanna touch the stars, I wanna fly to the moons, I wanna do the impossible
I wanna live my dreams, I wanna do everything, I wanna do the impossible
and I don't care what you say, I'm just gonna be me
Cause I am, I'm the impossible

Haven't posted a blog in a while....

So, here's an update.

I turned 15 on May 16.

I finished my freshman year in high school, so I am now a sophomore.

Guys officially suck.(get your mind out of the gutter)

I'm in Arizona right now on vacation.

I miss my friends.

I now weigh 119 pounds. GO ME!!!

I am a DDR BEASTTTTTT

I was suppose to go to a concert and Mitchel Musso was suppose to be preforming, but Rayvn Simone(sp?) cancelled it. rawr.

My myspace is mad rad.

Love

A question from myspace caught my eye.

Do you believe in love?

And this is what I put:

yes and no.
I say I love Mitchel Musso, but I've never met the dude.
I love when I feel fireworks in every kiss, and every time I'm around him I would get butterflies. I would take a bullet for the person I would love. Every moment would be great. WE could be sitting, not saying one word for an hour and I would still have fun. Even on the phone not saying anything, just knowing you are there. Every touch feels magical. The world would be dull without that person
That, boys and girls, is what love is.
This so called "love" is not what I'm expierencing at this moment. I hope I will one day.
Love is a strong word. Cant really believe it. Its like the wind. You can't see it, but you can feel it.
and I dont

Me singing in the Great Mills Highschool talent show.

http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i256/BethyBoo0000/?action=view&current=nikita_talent_show.flv

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!!

I had fun. Did you have fun? I got Bethany like 4 times today. XD
wow.
I told Genny my dog died, then said APRIL FOOLS, and she hit me in the face.
ha

I'm amazazing

SPRING BREAK.......

SUCCCKKKKSSSSS!!!!

I havent done anything fun.
I have to watch my sister everyday cause my dad still has to work.
Stupid gov't.
=[

My fav. quote from Horton hears a who:

A person is a person no matter how small.

=]

YAY!! I'm short.

I dont like Edward Cullen.....

Twilight by: Stephenie Meyer is my fav. book right now. And I fell in love with one of the main characters, Edward Cullen. I thought he was very protective, romantic, and sweet.
But, right now I'm reading New Moon. I am very angry. Edward left Bella. I almost cried. Then there were like 3 blank chapters. I was so angry. I am really dissapointed(sp?). I cant believe this has happened.

I think I should go and finish reading so I can see if he comes back.

I hope he does........

Love.....

gingerkidd10157 (8:21:15 PM): i think that when you find a love that will last forever it is all worth while
loserwithaname13 (8:21:25 PM): i guess
gingerkidd10157 (8:22:47 PM): thats what i think
loserwithaname13 (8:23:03 PM): mhm
loserwithaname13 (8:23:29 PM): I think that when i find a guy i can love it will be nice. But sometimes love turns its back on you.
gingerkidd10157 (8:23:41 PM): ya...i know
loserwithaname13 (8:23:45 PM): hmmm

Erin-gingerkidd10157
Me-loserwithaname13

I think love sucks. Basically.....

I am so nervous.

Tomorrow is the 3rd round for Great Mills Idol. I am sooooo nervous. I am so scared I am gonna mess up or I wont be loud enough. Or some one will go Booo just because they dont like me. RAWR. Well, wish me luck.

Wait! What am I talking about? No one reads my blogs. HA!

<3 or
-Nikita

Am I not pretty enough?

I love my bestie. We've been besties since pre-k. We know everything about eachother and we have eachother's backs. But, I'm tired of people telling me how pretty she is, or hearing people tell her how pretty she is. It bugs me. Yeah, I'm not hot and skinny, but I'm not ugly. I wish someone would tell me I was pretty or even better, beautiful. I know its wrong to be jealous about that, but I hate it. She's had like 13 boyfriends and I've had like 5. Shes always been the skinny pretty one, and I've always been the chubby funny one. I always hear, She is so pretty. I hear, Nikita you are so funny. Yeah I get compliments on my hair alot cause its so rad, and I dye it crazy colors to stand out. Also right now I like this guy, and i tell her how cool he is and funny things he has said. She just met him Monday and now she is all like he is so cute, I hope he asks me out. She doesnt even know him that well. Funny thing is, I LIKE HIM. But nope, she is gonna get her way. She asked me to ask him if he likes her. Of course he said yes because she is pretty. grrr.
I just wish I could hear someone say,"Nikita? Nikita Bimson? She is so pretty."



xoxo

Nikita

Is single always good?

I love being single. Honestly I do. But, sometimes I feel left out of things. Especially at dances. I see everyone dancing with someone, but then there is me left. Nikita, Party of one. Its weird. It feels like a dream where I show up to school in just my bra and underwear. Wait, thats a bad example. XD. It feels like all of a sudden the light is off. And no one cares. Its a bad feeling, but I get over it. Its very rare that I have a boyfriend.
I'm not ugly (well, not anymore much.). I think its just that I'm seen more as a friend, and because I can be such a hyper spaz. lol. So, I'm use to being a 3rd wheel. I've been one most of my life. Ha, who needs love.

Peace and Chicken Grease

Nikita <3

The Best Late Valentine's day present ever!!!

This whole week I was in Pennsylvania and the Great Wolf Lodge had no computer and I just got home so now I am on the computer!
I was so lost. Then I read Mitchel Musso's blog and he wrote a list of girls who is his valentine.
ANNNNNDDDD!!! MY NAME WAS ON THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HHOORRRAAAYYYYYY! The hottest guy ever is my valentine. I feel loved.
=]