oh my.

There's this guy and he makes me so happy. He likes me. So why wont he just ask me out?!

>.>

Life sucks.

yeah, I just found out my friggin dog died. That's like the 5 thing that has died. My mom has died, my grandmas boyfriend has died, Chris Dale Died, Will died, and now my dog!

what the hell.

Oscar was drooling alot last night. But I thought he just wanted another grilled cheese sandwich with me. Oscar always would want some of my food. He use to walk around the living room like a shark waiting for food to fall.

He laid around the house alot yesterday. But I thought he was just tired.

I didn't think he was gonna die last night!

I always said I wanted a puppy, but I'd have to wait for one of my dogs to die. But really, Oscar was my fav. that was my first dog. But nope. Oscar has to die to. stupid life. You suck.

I just wanna believe in me.

Life sucks. Nothing exciting has happened. I feel angry alot. And I feel alone emotionally. Dude, what the hell is my problem. I don't want to feel this away.


"I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful Today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect In unusual ways
You see I just wanna believe in me"
-Demi Lovato

So basically,

dudes are jerks.

And Romeo fell in love with Juliet.

oh gosh. I never thought love at first sight ever existed. But last Thursday I was a believer.

I was sitting in 7th period,Spanish 2, when this dude walked in. A new student, from New Hampshire. When he walked in the room I felt a connection. And he looked at me and my heart was beating like it was about to jump out of my chest.

Later, towards the end of class, I asked him why he moved to this boring place. "My dad is retiring from the military," he said. At least I know he wont be moving anytime soon.

For the past 3 days I asked him about him. I know he's a junior. And he has a Fender Strat named Betsy. What a coincidence my fenders name is a girl name too. lol.
He's talkative, which I like. And he is so nice. And of course cute.

I use to say I don't get butterflies in my stomach anymore, I get bats. But the moment he looked at me...I felt the butterflies again.

Tonight was amazing

Our performance was awesome. We got our cues right and we were louder. lol.

Everyone said I was adorable. Cause I am. lol

I'm wearing a black dress to a white wedding.

-Well, October is over. I made it through another month. Even though No one reads my blogs(except one dude did) I'm gonna talk about what has happened.

-I'm being more open about my mom. I don't care if people ask me how she died or what she was like or how I feel. I don't care anymore. People shouldn't be scared to ask me. They are worried I'm gonna cry. But like I tell everybody, I don't cry. I despise crying. It's the worst thing ever. I think crying is stupid. I feel like a jerk. I've been talking bad about my mom. I just don't want to be sad. But I don't think it's right for me to do that. Like I told Brenden once that if he wouldn't shut up I was goona put my mom's ashes on him. It was funny. But I totally insulted my mother in a way. So, I'm trying to be more nice.

-This week is the play. Phantom of the soap operea. 3 nights of performing. I'm excited and nervous. This is the first play that I've had more than 2 lines in. I'm practically in every scene. I'm so scared that I'm gonna mess up. But I'm excited to be on the stage again. Wheather singing or acting the stage needs me, I need it. So, I'm ready to be Lily Ponds, the ditzy secretary, in front of everybody.

- I've written a song this month. A SONG. ONE SONG! It's recockulous. I usually write at least 3 a month. Am I losing my touch? Have I found no inspiration? What is my purpose? I feel terrible about it. And now that I have my guitar...I should be writing more. BUT I HAVE NOT! I am ashamed. ha ha. Hopefully something will happen to me this month.

-My heart is confused. Boys are confusing. Life is confusing. What does it mean when a boy says,"you'll always have a place in my heart," kisses you on the head but does nothing else. He's just your friend. He flirts with a bunch of girls but you have a place in his heart. He likes you, but wants to remain friends. Maybe he just loves me, but isn't 'in love' with me. I'm fine with that. But yall, isn't that leading on. He is leading me on! I don't know what he is thinking. He cares. I understand. But I don't like to be lead on. Either he likes me or he doesn't. Dudes are confusing.

-In other news, I might be getting a cellphone for christmas. Finally. My dad is recockulous.